So Done With 37

Truthfully, this has been one sucky year and I couldn’t be happier to be having a birthday tomorrow.

I really need one.  I’m in desperate need of a marker, a designated “from here on out”, a proverbial point of reference. I couldn’t be more at ease with the idea of going to sleep tonight 37 years old waking up tomorrow being 38.

“38 Is Great” is going to be my mantra for the next twelve months.

The truth is, the numbers have nothing to do with it.  It’s the symbolism, the meaning I attach to it and the idea of a fresh start that matters.  I love a blank canvas…whether it be an actual canvas, a computer screen or just a piece of paper.

Whether you want to call it starting over, anew or fresh it just feels good to be able to shake off the old.

And this is just cute…

That’s Hubby’s way of hiding my, specifically asked for, strawberry mousse birthday cake.

At least it better be the specifically asked for strawberry mousse birthday cake.

It’s not like I peeked or anything.

  Happy Birthday to Me!

Another Dead Deadline

Back in August I made a pact with myself that I would try to finish my novel by my birthday.  Well, with only 5 days to go and not a single word written in the 10 weeks that Nephew was here it looks like I’m going to have to concede failure on this one.

In a way, I suppose I’m sabotaging myself by inviting chaos, drama and distraction into my life with open arms.  It’s as though part of me can not accept that for the first time since I was 16 (going on 22 years now) I have the freedom to finally put myself back on the front burner and actually enjoy myself, explore my talents and, for the love of God, finish a project that I started for me.

Why is it so bloody difficult?

Anyway, difficult or not, I’m going to keep at it.  Nephew moved back home on Tuesday and by yesterday I had transformed the spare bedroom he was staying in, into:

A space just for ME!  And I don’t even care if the Queen herself shows up at my door with a suitcase in hand, SHE can sleep on the freakin’ couch…this room is MINE!

There you can see my laptop set up, external keyboard of course and pinned to the wall is my outline for direction and a few of my drawings for inspiration.  Rough drafts are stacked in the corner, fresh notebook on the right (did I mention that I’m almost 38 and STILL can’t tell left from right) and a slew of pens and highlighters for editing beside the phone.

I swear folks, if it kills me this book will get written.

I’ve also set up my sewing machine and my art supplies in another corner of the room to round out the space (and to remind others that it’s MINE)…kind of like how a cat sprays, I throw my crap around.

As of yet I have not given myself another deadline and I’m not sure if I will.  I’m  just happy that I still feel inspired enough to keep trying.  Right now it’s just a matter of writing something, even if it’s only a few pages, everyday and see where it takes me.

And Just Like That

Nephew moved back home two days ago.

He went from having a phone conversation with his Mom one day, the first in the 10 weeks he’s been here, to having coffee with her the next and then he moved out 3 hours after that.

My head is still spinning.  Not that I don’t think it’s a good thing, it’s just that I really didn’t get a whole lot of opportunity to think much of anything before it happened.

Of course I’m happy that my sister and her son have decided to work things out, it’s all I’ve ever wanted from the get go.  I really do hope they get their shit together and make a real go of forging a stronger and healthier bond between them.

It’s just that, and this may be totally selfish, I kind of feel like I’ve been left out in the cold and I’m somewhat disoriented.  I mean, I knew what direction I was going in when all this first happened it’s just that now I feel a little lost.

“What was I doing again?”

Not to mention how utterly exhausted I am.  Taking care of your own teenagers is one thing, taking care of someone else’s and all the baggage that goes along with that…well, to say it’s trying is putting it mildly.

It’s too soon yet to find any real perspective and I know that some real heart to heart conversations with both my sister and nephew are in my very near future.

Though I am happy to be able to be a source of support for them as they work through their parent/teenager relationship, I’m not willing to again be a lifeboat when they decide to jump ship just because they’re pissed off at each other.

I have so much more to say but I’m too tired.  I’m going to go watch a movie and have a glass of wine.

 

Maturity Is Overrated

Ever feel like screaming yourself blue
Why is it that’s something we can’t do
Unless we’re two

It’s not like life gets easier
It’s not like life slows down
Age doesn’t prove that it’s better to wear a fake smile
Than it is to express an honest frown

So why can’t I tantrum and cry my eyes out
Why do I have to stay quiet when I want to shout?
Just because I’m almost 38

It’s not like things are easier
It’s not like life has slowed down
Age doesn’t mean I’m immune to my own emotions
Maturity is overrated

Ever feel like you’re caged by your age
Ever feel like you’re confined to a stage
And that deviating is somehow childish

It’s not like life gets easier

In Tribute

I know that this is probably getting old but I don’t care.  I’m not yet done grieving and finding ways to celebrate Karmie, our beloved pet and friend.

Here she is with Darth, who is still with us, and you can just tell by the look on her face what her temper was like.

Hanging out wherever she felt like, in this case Hubby’s underwear drawer.

Here she is nonchalantly taking over my ironing board while I’m in mid project.

And this is my favourite pic of her though I’m not sure why.

Anyway, I’m done now and promise to get back to my regularly scheduled posts about nothing.

In Memory

I have so many more pics but these are my favourites…for obvious reasons.

Karma really was a true family pet, despite her disposition.  She might not have liked too many people, okay she really only liked Hubby, the rest of us she tolerated but she still was a great cat and a beloved member of our family.

And we all know she loved us as much as we loved her.

Rest In Peace Miss NastyPants

Sadly, Hubby found our beloved Karma floating lifelessly in the pool this morning.  She must have been farting around the edge like usual last night, believe me we warned her a dozen times but the thing about cats is that they do whatever they want anyway, and fallen in.

Hubby is cursing himself for not putting the cover on like we had planned this weekend.  It is one of those situations where procrastination does in fact have some pretty heady consequences.  Of course, it may just have been her time and cover or no cover she would have met her maker despite.

In any case, it’s a sad day here in my garden as we’ve lost a dear friend.

Karma got her name from Hubby who was the first to meet her when she was a kitten.  Back in 2002 we got a call from a friend of mine whose sister had found a sickly little kitten by the side of the road on her way to work.  Knowing we had recently lost one of Hubby’s 14 year old cats, she thought maybe we’d like to take it in.

Poor little thing had a terrible case of rhinovirus, her eyes were barely open from the infection and she couldn’t walk more than a few feet without sneezing out hunks of snot all over my baseboards.  We took her to the vet who prescribed some antibiotics for her but cautioned us not to get too attached, she was that ill.

Well after a few weeks her infection cleared up but the scarring in her sinus passages left her with an odd sounding purr and the trauma resulted in a nasty personality disorder.  Hence the nickname, Miss NastyPants.  She was one of those cats who LOOKS incredibly docile and sweet but wouldn’t hesitate to tear a strip off your hand if you got it too close to her…even if you were feeding her.

Hubby was the only one who could pick her up without getting growled at and we often had to warn small children who visited that Karma is the kind of cat you look at but don’t try to touch.  Thankfully, she was more likely to run away than attack strangers.  She reserved her stealth like pounce n’ punch for those who lived here.

But lately age had been mellowing her out some and for the last year or so she was much less aggressive and even somewhat playful.  She ceased to growl at me when I picked her up and I got a few purrs out on occasion.

Just last week while Daughter and I were in the basement doing laundry, Karma hid at the top of the stairs and popped out with a paw to give us a whack whenever we walked by…very clearly playing with us.

Okay, here come the tears.  Needless to say, she will be deeply missed.

November Is

November is not just my birthday
It’s also the month I left home

Three weeks shy of 16
Five weeks shy of pregnant and alone

I used to celebrate that day with cake and a candle
Proof that I could take this life and do more than just handle

But it soon got old and
November was just cold
Always another year older

Yet the wiser somehow always finds gear
And as long as I’m still here

November is always bitter sweet
Giving me pause to myself meet

The changing season, the falling leaves, the emotional retreat
The coming new year, the new faces of fear, the inevitable tears

November is my once a year nirvana
The one month I give myself permission to look forward
While trying desperately to leave nothing behind

November is not just my birthday
It’s also the month I left home

Last Year Must Have Been A Fluke

Ever since I was a kid I have LOVED Hallowe’en.  I mean what’s not to love?  Dressing up in costumes, candy, hanging out with your friends, candy, staying out after dark, candy, Hallowe’en parties and oh yeah, CANDY.

But last year about this time I wrote a post called Hallowe’en Spirit wherein I described my total lack of enthusiasm for what used to be one of my favourite times of the year.  I remember thinking that I might have finally squeezed out all the fun of this particular “holiday” and was resigned that I was perhaps getting too old for this.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and thought, ‘Only a week until Hallowe’en and we haven’t even decorated yet!’

My hair was not yet dry from my shower when I had all the Hallowe’en decorations out and got busy.

The first thing to go up was our version of Skeletor here. He doesn’t work anymore, thank goodness…because he’s actually kind of scary.  With a built in motion sensor this guy used to pop out from behind his cage and laugh maniacally anytime anyone walked by.  A real hoot!

This is our front hall.  The cauldron is filled with little Hallowe’eny type goodies leftover from various parties we’ve thrown over the years.  I’m hoping to pass them off to guests who come by over the next week.  Anything leftover will make it into some Trick or Treater’s bags on Hallowe’en night.

This is one of our oldest decoration pieces.  It’s actually quite flimsy and I’m always shocked when it makes it to another year.  Still, after nearly a decade, there it is holding strong.

And finally, our Hallowe’en table cloth.  Aside from being bright and cheery, it’s quite sturdy and is easy to wipe clean.  Makes an excellent place to carve pumpkins.

And this year, I’m looking forward to it!

When The Midol Wears Off

What do you mean what’s wrong with me?
I’m a little irritated, am I not allowed to be?

I do everything around here, so little I ask
Is it too much to think you could do this one task

I’m not freaking out, I think I’m quite fine
It’s just that nobody gets how hard it is, this life of mine

No I’m not crying, it’s just dust in my eye
I can’t keep this place clean no matter how hard I try

Oh leave me alone, I just need a hug
Hey why are you staring, looking so smug

No I don’t want to rest!
No I don’t need to lie down!

But yes, I’d love some chocolate
Right about now…

And a glass of Chardonnay wouldn’t hurt either